he puts the penis in happiness.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
