You work out of a Hotel?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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