I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
