i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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