is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
