I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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