im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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