Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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