I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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