The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
