This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
