discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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