After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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