i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
