I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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