hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
