a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
