You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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