I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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