my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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