I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
