Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
