and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
