if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
