What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
