It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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