I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
