oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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