I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
