when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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