with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Randomize