apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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