I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
