Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
