Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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