I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
