I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Life is so much better after having sex.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
