If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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