I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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