dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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