i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
