I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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