grandma shit on top of the toilet
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
lol hangovers are for mortals.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
