Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
