Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
