i wish starbucks made bloody marys
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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