Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
