Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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