I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Life is so much better after having sex.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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