pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
