What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
