drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Watching her eat just hurts me
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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