took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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