he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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