Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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