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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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